Mediation asks a lot of you. You sit down, in person or on screen, to talk through hard decisions while feelings are still raw. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is one way some people look after themselves through that. In this article we explain what CBT is, how it might help, and why there is no single right time to start it: before, during or after mediation can all make sense.
Why mediation can feel so hard
Separation and family disputes are stressful. Even when you want to reach an agreement, you may notice things like:
- worry or dread in the days before a session
- old arguments flaring up quickly
- going blank, or saying things you didn't mean, when emotions run high
- replaying a session in your head for days afterwards
- low mood, poor sleep or feeling stuck
These are common, understandable reactions. They don't mean mediation isn't working or that you are doing it wrong. But they can make it harder to listen, think clearly and say what matters to you.
What is CBT?
Cognitive behavioural therapy is a talking therapy. It looks at the links between your thoughts, your feelings, what happens in your body and what you do. The idea is that the way we interpret a situation shapes how we feel and react to it.
CBT is practical and focused on the here and now. You work with a therapist to notice unhelpful patterns and try out different ways of thinking and responding. Sessions are usually structured, and you may practise skills between them.
How CBT might help with mediation
CBT doesn't take sides, and it doesn't tell you what to agree to. What it can offer is a set of skills that may make the process feel more manageable. For example, it might help you to:
- Notice your thoughts. Thoughts like "they always get their way" or "this will never work" can feel like facts. CBT helps you spot them and ask whether there is another way of seeing things.
- Calm your body. Simple techniques for slowing your breathing and grounding yourself can help when anxiety rises before or during a session.
- Stay focused on what matters. Being clearer about your own priorities can make it easier to explain them calmly.
- Communicate more clearly. Practising how to say difficult things, and how to respond when you feel criticised, can help conversations stay on track.
- Recover afterwards. CBT can help you stop going over and over a session, and look after your mood and sleep.
Should CBT come before, during or after mediation?
This is a question people often ask, and the honest answer is that it depends on you. Each timing has something to offer.
Before mediation
Starting CBT before mediation can give you time to build some calming and communication skills first. This may suit you if the thought of sitting down with your ex-partner fills you with dread, or if anxiety or low mood is already affecting your day-to-day life.
Alongside mediation
Having CBT sessions between mediation sessions means you can prepare for what is coming and make sense of what happened. You can practise a skill, use it in mediation, then reflect on how it went. Many people find this back-and-forth useful.
After mediation
Mediation can end, but adjusting to change takes longer. New routines, co-parenting and sorting out practical matters can all bring up strong feelings. CBT after mediation can help you settle into life after separation.
You don't need to wait until you feel "ready" for mediation, and you don't need to be struggling badly to benefit from therapy. If you are unsure, it is fine to talk it through with a therapist or with your mediator before deciding.
Keeping the two separate
CBT and mediation do different jobs. A mediator listens to both sides and takes a neutral approach, helping you reach decisions together. Mediation is not relationship counselling. Therapy, on the other hand, is a space just for you, to look after your own wellbeing.
That means your therapist is not part of your mediation, and your mediator is not your therapist. Keeping them separate lets each one do its job well.
It may also help to know that mediation with us can take place online or in person, so you can choose what feels most manageable for you.
Your next step
If you would like support with how you are feeling, we offer online counselling and CBT sessions with our partner therapist, separate from mediation. If you have questions about mediation itself, or about how the two could fit together for you, book a free 15-minute call and we will talk it through with you.